Today marks four years since Joie died and I am re-experiencing some of that sense of loss like it is new all over again. This is my end-of-July-blues. Science tells us that prolonged grief brings about chemical changes in our brains so that what seems natural to a grieving person is not perceived the same way by everyone else. It is a continuing struggle to come out of the state of grief and I think that it must take a conscious effort to do so. I'm working on it but I still have a way to go. But I have come a long way and I am pretty happy with my life right now. I surprised myself by declaring that a few weeks ago during a conversation I was having. I have been able to climb pretty far but time passes slowly and sometimes it is like a slow-motion movie.
Joie and I were together about 33 years, more or less and I reflected recently on her ability to indulge my various quirks and interests while still standing her own ground and her own persona. I've mentioned before that she went through nine lives but she always brought some of that forward so it was common for her to have multiple points of focus or to be in some state of transition. Some friends once observed that she seemed to almost submerge herself once we were married and moved to Jefferson City. That isn't true at all but it is an interesting observation that resulted from the physical distance and the reduced contact that we had with some of our old friends once we moved.
I indulged myself on this sad anniversary to pull together some pictures taken over our time together. Some of these are my favorites.
American Gothic 1975 - Colby Kansas...on our way to Wyoming and our backpacking trip. For a girl that never camped or went into the wild she did great. Her family and friends were stunned that she would do this but she worked hard to get ready and carried a 40-pound pack through the Bog Horns.
Young professionals -- the photographer made me sit on a telephone book because the man was supposed to be taller than the woman and we were exactly the same height. That's why she is grinning.
New mom -- Jill had been born just a few weeks before this was taken. Joie was a great mom but there were some trying times, too, and I had a traveling job for some of those early years.
Up all night -- Project Graduation 2002. We were volunteers for graduation night when Jill graduated from high school. We were getting punchy by dawn. Joie's dad came from St. Louis for the graduation but didn't feel good enough to attend so she was a little concerned. We all had breakfast with him later and he was fine.
Perseverance -- She broke her hip in 2004. She made herself well enough to go to Italy in June on a cane and we went all over Rome and Perugia and Florence. Later in the year, just before Christmas, she broke her other hip and struggled back from that as well. 
Family Reunion -- We came from small families except for the Ackermanns and she always enjoyed Ackermann reunions...even though she sometimes had to figure out who was who in her mom's relatives. Her mom died when she was 14 and she tried hard to stay connected. Jill and I still go to Ackermann reunions."Life is not easy for any of us. But what of that? We must have perseverance and above all confidence in ourselves. We must believe that we are gifted for something and that this thing must be attained"
-- Marie Curie
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